Of roses and butterflies
And stories untold
Of roses that withered
And butterflies with broken wings

Here begins our story…
Love that makes the heart feel jiggy
Love that jams the thoughts like radio waves
Love that twinkles brighter than the stars

The end thereof
Remains untold, and
How quickly things escalated
Left me flabbergasted

You were the one thing
All these years I was wanting
But you were weighed in the
Balances of love and found wanting

Now you want to retrace
Your steps back to me
Walking down the broken
Aisles of my memory

But how do I overcome
This oxytocin overdose?
How do I set myself free
From your arms wrapped around me?

Promise to stay forever
Never to leave again
But don’t give me butterflies
If you won’t be giving me roses

When Mama says “be careful out there”
I’ve come to understand, that’s an expression of her love
And when she says “Girls can wait”
I’ve come to see that as her protective mechanism

When my hommies ask “You sure say she dey like you?”
They don’t want me casting my pearls to swine
And when they exclaim, ” Herr she fine oo!”
They saying beware “You may not be the only person eating”

There were too many others I wouldn’t consider
Abena, who always shared in my worries “You don’t look well, what is the problem?”
Akua, the welfare person “Have you had breakfast yet? Don’t forget your drugs. Get well soon!”
Adwoa, the motivator “Don’t give up yet. I am here for you. We will figure this out”

But I wouldn’t pay attention
Girls can wait till when?
I harvested all their love
And invested it into you
Bros before hoes but I flipped the code
I chose hoes over bros

A bouquet of wilted flowers
A pottery of broken jars
Torn capillaries and arteries
That’s all that is left of me now

Guess who’s nursing a broken heart now
Guess who’s giving emotional support now
Guess who’s teasing me day and night
Just so I can heal?

Of all forbidden things
You are the sweetest
Let me take a bite and
Fly high like a kite

You don’t need to beset me
I’m your willing victim
Give me of your sweet venom
Let me die savouring your taste

A valentine today and forever
Is what I dream you to be
The sunshine I wake up to
Today and forever, my dream

Permit me to immortalize you
In this poem, live on in my heart
Stay on in my heart as
Fire that cannot be quenched

I see the fierce fire in your eyes
I see the beauty in your soul
I see all the dreams and aspirations you hide from the world
Like sunshine behind the clouds

The rainbow in it’s charming coat
Captivating deep water pearls
The exquisite sunset in all its beauty
None of these compares to you

Let me caress your lips and plant a kiss on your cheeks
Let me hold your hands in mine
Show you my thousand scars under the audience of a thousand stars
So you can kiss away my pain

This is my promise of love
To hold you dear to my heart
To have and to cherish you
As long as you will let me

I love you
Happy Valentine’s

Ruggedy rickety

Dusty road

Tattered stairs

On the upward climb

Destination unknown

Forge on undeterred

Walking a tight rope, fanumbulism

Hope, the balancing pole

Sitting on a church pew

Inner doubts screaming

For attention and

Begging to be silenced

On a bar stool

Doubts screaming

For confirmation

Whatsoever I know not

My mind is filled

With hurricanes

And volcanoes

Erupting in my heart

A broken and contrite heart

Looking up unto a rugged cross

Where it’s Saviour hung

Looking for redemption

Alas!

Faith like a mustard seed

Faith rugged

Still a master’s pride

I don’t normally get to experience interesting trotro episodes. I used to read really interesting vibes from people’s trotro diaries. This is probably because I love minding my own business too much and doesn’t love to get involved in trotro conversations. I hardly would utter another word after a simple hello here or a wry smile I would flash whoever is unfortunate to sit beside me in the trotro. I would normally block every conversation out by stuffing my ears with some rap music. I was about this usual business on a friday night returning from work in the trotro when my phone rang. The number was unknown. I hesitated before picking up and I cant tell why I hesitated. I simply dont know.
The voice on the other side of the phone sounded familiar but I just couldn’t place who this particular person was. So I played my usual game of allowing the converstion to flow like I actually know this person until I figure out who it is.
So the voice went on, after exchanging the cliches of “How are you?”, “Oh everything is fine with me too by the Grace of God almighty” etc.
Suddenly, his tone changed, “Osborn, I’m in a situation and I need your help badly”. The words hit me real fast, almost at the speed of light. At this point, my heart skipped a beat. I have not been able to figure out who this guy is yet, he hasn’t bothered to introduce himself either and now he’s getting to that scary line? Yes, I said scary. When people say they need your help these days, you can be sure what kind of help they need. I mean is Ghana that hard? Yes, Ghana is hard and its hard for everybody. I have had my fair share of “I need your help bro” and everytime, I say, “oh naah, give this person the benefit of the doubt man!” But in the end…? Same story.
Lets get back to my Mr. Anonymous help seeker. I still can’t make him out at this point. I was scared because I knew where he was heading and I wasn’t in the position to help. I had taken a vow to cut down on kindness just last week bro!
Staaap!!! Don’t tempt me now.
I managed to calm my nerves though and encouraged him to continue with his request.
“Osborn, I’m in a situation and I need your help”, he repeated. “I’m wondering if you can help me with 100ghc, I will pay back by Wednesday”, he went on.
At this time, things were getting messy in my head so I had to cut him short. I mean who is this guy?…
Can you tell me who you are? Please?
“Oh it’s me Sha…”. Oh! Oh! It’s you? Really sorry I couldn’t make you out. It’s been a while.
Now this guy on the otherside of the line was like a spiritual mentor back in my SHS days.
Yes, I said ‘spiritual’. Now, don’t laugh. At some point, we all think there’s that someone who’s closer to Jesus than we are and so we want to follow in their steps. You know what I mean?
“Yes, it’s been a while Osborn and you have to help me please”, came his despaired voice.
I mean, he couldn’t take a second away from reiterating his dire need of help? Now, my heart sank, and my voice became shaky. It’s not like I cannot afford to give him a 100ghc loan if I had assurance it was coming back on Wednesday like he is promising. But my mind just took a detour back to last two months and the month before that and the month before that.
How I trusted people with money and it blew up in my face? Let me tell you just one of my experiences with kindness gone bad. It might not be as terrible as your experience but it sure was terrible for me. Money is real hard to come by these days sis, real hard.. I hope you understand where I’m coming from?
Let me tell you about Ha… Oh shid! I almost mentioned his name? Yes, he dey bore me but I will let it slide. I mean he’s a manager for some big company inside oo. But this guy take my money wey money wey he sey he go return in five days nu, it’s the 5th month as I dey write this my money never come. This is how it went down…
You dierr issokay, let me save you the details of how it went but long and short I dropped my money into an abyss and I couldn’t get it back. You don’t want to hear the flowery promises he made.

“Oh my client will pay me by Wednesday then you can have your money. It won’t take long kraa”.

He was taking the money on Friday brothers and sisters in the Lord. Friday to Wednesday, my money was coming back soon. But people, five days has turned into five months and counting and Efo ein client never pay am so Efo too no pay me.

Now, this is the point. After such bitter experiences I am sure you made a pact with yourself never to repeat such kindness or should I call it foolishness? Ah well! That was the mode I was in when Mr. Anonymous who turned out to be my long lost spiritual mentor called that friday night and I couldn’t make an exception for him no matter how much I tried. My resolve wouldn’t allow men

5months of chasing. I gave up. I don’t have to loose my cash and loose my energy chasing after it.

I looked back on experiences like this and denied this guy who could honestly be in need and could honestly have been able to pay back the money. It hurt, but I felt I needed it to grow so that people won’t be able to take advantage of me. But is it all necessary? Is it right? I question my moral turns most times. Am I allowing a few bitter experiences and some bumps on this rugged life’s journey define who I become? Do I have to become this cold? No, I don’t have to become that heartless. In my twenty something years on this devil forsaken-yes I think otherwise-earth, I know how hard life can get and how heavy life’s burdens can weigh us down. I therefore wouldn’t hesitate to lift a little burden here or there to make someone else’s life a bit more comfortable. But if we also give all of our resources out and get no returns, what will become of us? These things boggle my mind but Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds me:

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment”.

So I have set just two rules to guide my monetary kind deeds and you should figure out one for yourself too.
My rules:
1. If the money you need is below a certain threshold which I set and I have it readily, you will have it and I will forget about it. I will assume you are not returning it but if you do, I will surely take it. On the other hand, if it’s above that threshold and we don’t have a solid history, fogerrrrit!
2. Avoid giving my money to people who start their requests trying to play on my morals like…

“I beg you in the name of God” bla bla bla…and the sweet talkers, “Oh bro,
Tuesday norr you go get am la. This one my uncle bi he disappoint me oo. If my pay come noorrr ago tear your own before ago tear my tithe sef bro”.

Yeah you can imagine right? My money aint going to these folks.
It has saved me quite a lot of trouble and I’m not saying its the perfect way to go. But we
can’t let kindness die for the sake of these motherfuckers!
Excuse me?
No, not at all.
What have been your experiences? Can you share some of them?

The day you walked away
Little did I know
It was a journey of no return
But because I didn’t know
I kept the door to my heart
Under lock and key

Awaiting your return like a faithful
Unto the coming of his master
Everyday I would keep watch
At the gates of my heart
Like a John at the night’s watch
Keeping the wildlings out

Yes I’m your willing John
Staying true and pure as Snow
Although bewildered and bedeviled
By the cold dreary nights
And the day itself darkened
And the hope of your return dwindled

Like a John finally swindled
The love flame was quenched
And while you were away
I kept your memories intact
I learned to love the intangible
In place of the tangible

So when you showed up again
I had to gamble
Choosing between you
And the memories you left behind
I played Russian roulette
But I’m still here
Because I chose the later

On the edge of the bed

Sat this hot coal

Not afraid of the burns

I drew nigh

Gazes fixed

Lips locked

Tongues clicked

Bodies flicked

I want this all night long

I want to give

As much as you can take

And take as much as you can give

Let’s set sail

Go on missions

I’ll make you feel Irie

Call it missionary

Let’s play a game

Call it hide and seek

But I’ll call it doggy

Hitting it from the back

And when we are consumed

I’ll just lay next to you

Clad in your embrace

Never to wake

At least that was the dream

Until I woke up and realized

I’m still in my student sized bed

And single pillow on a cold morning

Don’t have mercy on “you” Photo credit: okeyphotos

There are those days when you wake up at 3,4 am and no matter what you do, you cannot force yourself to go back to sleep. So your mind is left wandering on the happenings of life. It becomes an activity more like stock taking. Some days you wander across the wonders of life. All the goodies that you are privileged to be enjoying. The good people in your life. Surprised feats you didn’t think yourself achieving.
Other times, these moments are characterized by emptiness.

Thoughts of your failures and weaknesses come flooding the banks of your mind. The sad reality that you may not be who you think you are, who people think you are, dawns on you. The more you try to discard these thoughts, the more they thump on your mind. You are dissatisfied with your life.

You try to recall all the good scriptures to no avail. And the ones you remember, Isaiah 41:10, Deuteronomy 31:6, have lost meaning to you. Your dreams are crumbling and the future looks bleak that even Jeremiah 29:11 is not enough to comfort you.

On one of such nights, the words of Anne Lamott, renowned author of Bird by Bird came to me.

“We can change. People say we can’t, but we do when the stakes or the pain is high enough. And when we do, life can change…Nothing keeps us from changing more than our tendency — our willingness — to remain locked into versions of ourselves, into personae and identities barred in by heavy leaden rods of self-righteousness.”

I sprang out of bed, sat at the edge of the bed with excitement as if I just won the heart of the girl of my dreams.
I realized what I needed was change. And no superpower was going to do it for me. I am stagnant because I am locked into versions of myself i needed to let go. I needed to break free. I set out to change myself. I reached for my phone and typed these words…

“I had me kneeling down, blindfolded
Crouched, hands tied to the back as if to plead for mercy
Eyes filled with rage, finger on the trigger
Goodbye whispered, gun to his head

I finished it off, no melodramas

I killed me last night
Yes, I killed me last night
It was no accident, it was premeditated
Yes,I needed a new me
So I killed the old me last night

The old me was that guy who held on too tightly to the acceptance from others
Ask me what happened to him?
He was dying from their rejection
He had to die so I killed me last night

The old me was that guy who lived to impress people all his life
Ask me what happened to him?
He was dying of depression
He had to die so I killed him last night

The old me was that guy who had too many expectations of life
Now he feels toxic like he had been de-livered because life didn’t deliver to him his expectations
Ask me what happened to him?
He was dying of disappointment
He had to die so I killed him last night

The old me was that guy who placed so many limitations on himself
Ask me what happened to him?
He was dying of a stagnating life, living in circles and making no progress
He definitely had to die, so I killed him last night

The old me was that guy who loved everybody else and ran out of love to give himself
Ask me what happened to him?
He was dying of heartache
I had to relieve him of his pain so I killed him last night

The old me was that guy who was a slave to fear, too afraid to dare
Too afraid to try anything new
Ask me what happened to him?
He was dying in failure, success never to catch a glimpse of
He deserved to die, so I killed him last night

The old me was that guy who got engaged to low self esteem since God knows when
He saw no worth in himself and what the universe had in store for him
Why don’t you ask me what happened to him?
He was dying from inferiority complex
I had to show him that inferiority wasn’t complex after all, so I killed him last night

The old me was that guy who lived all his life on the island of his thoughts
Only in his head did his dreams make sense and stand a chance of getting birthed
Yes, you should ask what happened to him
He was dying of solitude and I had to set him free from the prison of his mind, so I killed him last night

The old me was that guy who was too broke to go to the mall, so he became an introvert by force
Ask me what happened to him?
He was dying from indebtedness
So I killed him last night

I just couldn’t let him see another day
I just couldn’t let him draw me backwards anymore

I wanted to be different and I simply couldn’t see today with the old me tagging along
So I had no mercy at all
I looked me straight in the eyes and pulled the trigger

The old me was just that guy standing between me and my dreams
And this time I hope you understand why I had to kill him
So I killed me last night
And if I meet me in the next life I ll do it again

I killed me last night.”

Photo credit: iStock images

Now, I guess you know what to do. Go get yourself a gun and kill you. Let go of parts of you that you need to change. Kill em all. But please don’t kill yourself. Lol