“Ben bitch”, “Ben bitch”, “Beeenn bitch!!” 

Alex’s shouts drowned the voice of Peter Drury as he passed his comments on Christiano Ronaldo’s cheeky goal. 

“Ooohh what a sensational strike that is. How many times have we seen this done in the history of the game of football? Rarely. Rarely, and not many players can be able to do this. Juust loook at thiis. Just look. The pass itself is world class and it’s not surprising who it came from. The King of passes, Luka Modric! It’s a long ball through the top and a magical run from your beast Christiano Ronaldo, a topclass control on the ball, refused to be pushed off the ball, surrounded by three defenders, stayed adamant and slotted the ball into the top right corner of the net with a floppy mappy chappy chip over the goalkeeper. Brilliant is the word you are looking for to describe this goal, isn’t it? Brilliant! It’s his second and the fifth of the game right on the edge of the eightieth minute mark and they are showing signs of adding more before the full time whistle is blown. This is really starting to look like a training ground routine. It’s a mauling”

Peter Drury’s voice blared through the installed woofers positioned close to the window. This was the norm anytime there was a crucial match like this one just so the neighbours in the hostel can hear the commentary. 

“Ah, ebi you again?” Tony, our closest neighbour bugs his head in through the door.

“Oh massa, leave there. Who invite you?”. Ben interrupted before he could say anything more. 

Alex dropped his game pad and jumped across the room beating his chest. “Herr Ben, aswear, you will forever be my bitch, you no go fit me. Drop your pad den quit.”

He paced up and down the room expecting a response but none came from Ben. Ben was beaten to pulp and you don’t expect him to talk back after all the hype. 

After being beaten to pulp last week, he showed up today for a rematch. He didn’t show up for class yesterday and I want to believe he was training for today. The first thing he took out of his bag when he arrived was his game pad. He waved it around the room as if to say, “I came prepared”. Last week, he blamed our pad. He said the R2 wasn’t working. He couldn’t place his goals. 

“Ah, game pads will disgrace you” he occasionally said, biting his lips after every missed chance to score. Now, Fred woke up from his half sleep and sat on the edge of his bed and asked softly “So today too you go blame wanna pad? You be everybro ein bitch, why you no wan accept am?” Fred is the guy who hardly joins in the teasing sessions but when he joins, you can be sure of the banters he will release. He has all the histories at his fingertips. Who scored who, which teams they used, scores and even how the goals were scored. So when he joins, you can be sure what to expect. He seems to compress his words and weigh them until they were heavy enough. When he releases one banter, you will surely end up in the mud.

By definition, a FIFA bitch is that guy who almost everybody scores in the game of FIFA and Ben was the bitch in our room. He wasn’t even a roommate, but Ben will travel from his hostel sometimes after throwing challenges in class to our room and we will take turns receiving goals from him or at least that was always his expectation. It happens that Ben’s expectations were rather unrealistic and they never manifested. Now let me confess that when it comes to FIFA, I’m the newbie and I don’t know the game that much but I still get a reward of beating him after losing to my pro roommates when he comes around. Ben is like that area girl that anybody can eat anyhow. If you ask Ben, “Who dey eat?” he won’t be able to answer because the list is long and he may never mention my name because as a new guy in the hood, it will be embarrassing to admit, but me too I dey eat. Allow me to equate him to Manchester United. 

“This pad sef e no be my own oo. I go borrow for my guy bi ein der. The through pass no sheda dey job. The day I go get correct pad, you people go see your…”. He didn’t get to finish his flamboyant excuse when the door flew open. In the doorway stood Charles. He stood there frozen, his gaze fixed on nothing in particular. He just stood there and stared in the distance. He looked more like he was caught in a trance as he stood in the doorway with his arms straight down his sides, shoulders dropped and a straight looking face. We stood mute and looked on like faithful servants awaiting a revelation from their master god. 

“My guy where you from? Wey what happen? You see ghost for road?”. Fred was asleep when Charles stepped out.

All the attention is on Charles now. He was still in a moment of transfiguration. He looked like he was choking on some words. He really wanted to speak out but he couldn’t. He was mumbling the words. “Hey, hey, my guy wassup? What be the run down?”, Alex ran to him and held his hand. “Come, come, come sidon”, he continued. He led Charles to his bed and allowed him to slump heavily onto the bed. Ben, who by this time started reading in between the lines burst into uncontrollable laughter. “Kwasia, who send you sey take your heart give woman?” I couldn’t help but join in the laughter after making sense of the situation.

It was just an hour ago that he stepped out. Friday nights, we all choose the business of playing FIFA, to cool off from the stress of the week. However, today, after class, he took a nap and after preparing supper, dashed into the washroom.  He slipped into his favorite shorts and sleeveless shirt accompanied by his favorite sneakers afterwards. His lips parted into a broad smile as he banged the door after him.

“Eei so you no go tell we where you dey go sef?” Ben questioned right before the door shut (He and Alex had just started their first match of the night). 

Yes, Charles heard him, came back to open the door, pop his head in through the door, just to give him a cheeky wry smile and leave again without uttering a word. In his mind, he was going to have wild fun, come back and then laugh at us for choosing FIFA over girls. But here he is and the gods wouldn’t let the narrative go his way.

“Herr guys, aswear, Mimi force. Mimi be the real deal. Mimi be the real boosu!”, Charles broke into praises for Mimi. The words finally broke free from his lips. Now everybody is confused and we are just standing there watching in awe the scene playing before our eyes. Then the praises turned into lamentations. “Mimi paa? The way I trust Mimi paa?”. No sentence was complete without Mimi’s name being mentioned. “She make I rust. The way I resh these other girls sake of Mimi paa, she make I dey feel like trash right now.” He continued. 

In the other corner of the room, Ben burst into laughter again. This time he put the woofers off and let his laughter echo across the corridor. “I no tell you boys. He take ein heart dash Mimi wey Mimi take play basketball. I sure say Mimi take ein heart dunk. Ein heart hit the floor too hard” Ben laughed even harder.

So what be the long and short of the matter? Fred finally broke his silence. “Oh I go visit Mimi, as I go na some guy be dey ein der. I hala am wey I sit down for her study table ein body. Na the guy dey sit her side for the bed top. Guy, I wan act normal den form normal conversation small make I lef aa, the guy biz Mimi sey who I be? She introduce me as her study partner k3k3. Wey she say the guy be ein boyfriend” Charles continued narrating his ordeal. “Charley, I just black out. I no dey kai anything again. How I come reach here sef?” He wore a confused look on his face.

“Ah, but everytime you dey talk sey she be your study mate and bestie? When the status change?”, Alex budged in. Ben was still on the floor cracking up. “Hey, Ben, be serious”, Fred called him to order. “Sympathize with your man”. 

Yeah we have laughed at him enough and it was time to help a brother get out of a mess. Mimi had a boyfriend outside school and led our brother on. They wouldn’t admit it, but our Charles was hitting on her and we all knew it. Sad that it ended this way. We managed to put Charles together. Sunday came and you won’t believe what happened. By 7am, Charles was ready for church that was starting at 8am on campus. We could never understand the sudden change and I’m sure you won’t understand either. Here’s someone who had even forgotten where his church held their sunday services. We were a long way past mid-semester and I don’t remember him stepping foot in church just like the rest of us until that Sunday.

We all thought it was going to be a nine day wonder. But the semester ended, the next and the next and Charles’ commitment to church would not dwindle. He will never miss midweek and prayer meetings. Last time, Ben made a joke, he was going to fall in love with some girl and break his heart so that he could also become a committed Christian like Charles. “You for take your broken heart go do FIFA practice” Charles snarled back at him. This jab really hit Ben but still boys be boys.

It’s been 4 years since we left school and the last time I ran into Charles, he was an elder at his local church and aspiring to be a pastor. He didn’t have much to say but these words “Charley, if you see Mimi, thank Mimi give me. If I ever make am to heaven ebe sake of Mimi. Mimi make I give my life to Jesus. The broken heart she give me pass all the sermons I hear for my life inside”. We laughed over it but we both knew Mimi tampered with my friend’s head and the Lord came to his rescue. The thing almost pass ein head inside. The night of the incident, he actually went to bed with his sneakers on and would not allow anybody take it off for him.