Healing

You held my hand and walked me into a new life

I was broken, bored and messed up out there

Couldn’t hold shit together

You held my hand

Walked with me and taught me what love meant

We lived wild and free

But how could you?

How could you?

How could you bandage my wounds only to open them up again?

How could you walk away when I was only grasping how to live this life?

How could you pull the rug when I was only getting used to being loved?

How could you leave?

The nights I’ve spent thinking about you only brought pain

Now, I just want to siphon love out of my vessels

Its sad that we have to become another set of strangers in the street

But holding on to you is like walking a tightrope

It takes every ounce of hope out of my grips

And the tears? The tears bring me no respite

So today,

I

Smile

Because

All the tears

Never washed away the pain

Monsters you made

A beautiful picture to feed your eyes on before you start reading. 😍😍 Enjoy

“Get off me! Is this what you call love?”

I’m stunned.

Wait…what did I almost do?

Oh, I’m a rapist and nobody told me? I sat up straight, my back turned to her. I couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore-the fairy bulging eyes that stirred my soul just a moment ago. I felt shame engulf me and if I could, I wanted to swallow myself out of her presence. I sat speechless, my head in my palms and my heart thumping on the walls of my chest as if a fire alarm had just been triggered in my chest and it wanted to be evacuated.

I can suddenly feel the strings of sweat running down my neck.

***************************************************************************

Tricia is sitting at the edge of my student’s mattress on the floor, slightly tilted backwards.

I sat a few meters away from her, leaned against the wall, a lot of things running through my mind. I’m swallowing hard on my saliva. It’s been three good hours and we have practically exhausted what there is to talk about. Past relationships, family, future aspirations and what have you. Indeed we have not totally exhausted the topics but we said what there was to say and now it was time for the big bang. 

The big move. 

My heartbeat rate had suddenly rocketed. My palm was sweating. My mind went blank and I could not bring up anything more to talk about. I could feel myself lurching forward and locking my lips in hers for a violent but passionate kiss. But for fear, my ass was still glued to the carpet in the corner of the room where I was sitting. 

“What says the time? I should be leaving soon”. 

I would later realise that these were the words that propelled me into action. 

“Whaat! She’s leaving soon? She’s just gonna leave like that?”

I cannot recall exactly how I managed to get closer, but before I knew it, I was sitting just an inch away from her. My fingers running through her braids, looking her in the eyes but still not mustering the courage I needed to take those fine lips in mine. Jack was not sitting easy down there either. I see her eyes flash up my thighs. She must have noticed Jack agitating in my shorts.

A demon in my head whispered “Yo gee! She see the down der. She know what you dey wan do. She no wan do aa like she move away from you dadaada”

I’m sure the demon in my head was right. With a little push, she was on her back. I’d lean over to kiss her but be denied on three occasions. 

Hell! I thought that’s where it always starts from? It doesn’t start with a kiss? Well, it turns out I didn’t know shit. 

My hands would navigate to her chest region and not encounter any resistance. 

“Oh, this is it?” I’m sure I muttered to myself.

My hands stayed up there a bit while grinding myself against her. The grinding was taking place at the waist region-O come on! Don’t look at me like that?-while she held me tight to herself. Should I say she locked me in her embrace? Yeah! Maybe. Jack is receiving a rush of blood at this point. Wait! My head is receiving a rush of blood too and that might have put pressure on my heart because I can feel my heart thumping. Of course, I’m not the only one experiencing this. She’s heaving her chest and she’s breathing heavily. Her lungs are probably asking for more of what we are doing. I was encouraged to sneak my hand further downstairs to unzip her queendom. Then I met a resistance as strong as the Great wall of China. Yo! How can we come this far and not go farther?

“Am I rushing you?” “You are not ready now?” “Are you running late?” “Kotoko dey park?”. Like I don’t know what question I didn’t ask. I asked all the questions in the world like I was running a diagnostics test. Still no answer. So I drew my own conclusion, park Jack back into the garage and rearranged everything onto the shelf just like I found them. 

***************************************************************************

“Ah, so you, woman come your house, she enter your room, sit for your bed top, wey you no chop am? You be Jon oo”

At this point, my heart froze. My body stiffened. And I couldn’t find any words to appropriately react to what I was hearing.

“Why, you bore? I just dey joke”

“You just dey joke? Shun dey lie”, I said as I threw his hands off my shoulder. 

“Seriously, James, how you know sey woman come my room last week wey I no chop?”. 

“No jokes, flow me. She, she come tell you abi?” I quizzed.

Now, he’s the one frozen in his tracks. Unable to explain himself. He had probably been guarding his lips the whole week in order not to spill the beans. Finally, his tongue conspired against him and let the shit loose. He dropped the packaging films we were inspecting and headed to the lab. Of course I couldn’t make peace with it so I followed him to the lab.

“Oh na we just dey vibe wey your matter come inside. She just talk sey you be good boy so she come your dey sef you no chop am, unnecessary advice nkoaa you dey give am”

Wow! The blueticks, the unanswered calls and avoided eye contacts at work in the past week can now be explained.

***************************************************************************

How many more people did she tell this to? All her work colleagues? My legs started feeling heavier every time I had to go for an inspection in her department. It feels like Thor had just smashed my ego with his hammer. And I was determined that I was not going to make this mistake again. No lady I’m making advances at, will enter my room and leave just like that.

***************************************************************************

I am damned sure I had this ringing in my subconscious two months later when Ewura walked into my room. 

Now when I look back, what Tricia did does not get to me as much as what I almost did to Ewura. I look back on that afternoon with shame. I am sure I would have hated myself if I succeeded. Or maybe I would join the league of monsters that advise their friends “Oh, you for force am. She just go struggle plus you small, but if you enter naa she go relax den enjoy am. She go even beg you for round two”.

Yes, I’ve received that advice before. But wait! We have those kind of girls walking our earth? Pretend you don’t want the sex, and let him force you into it? So that you don’t look cheap? Maybe, you are part of the problem.

We can do better!

Could possibly be for clout or engagement. But this clearly illustrates the mentality of some of our girls

Heaven is a heartbreak away

“Ben bitch”, “Ben bitch”, “Beeenn bitch!!” 

Alex’s shouts drowned the voice of Peter Drury as he passed his comments on Christiano Ronaldo’s cheeky goal. 

“Ooohh what a sensational strike that is. How many times have we seen this done in the history of the game of football? Rarely. Rarely, and not many players can be able to do this. Juust loook at thiis. Just look. The pass itself is world class and it’s not surprising who it came from. The King of passes, Luka Modric! It’s a long ball through the top and a magical run from your beast Christiano Ronaldo, a topclass control on the ball, refused to be pushed off the ball, surrounded by three defenders, stayed adamant and slotted the ball into the top right corner of the net with a floppy mappy chappy chip over the goalkeeper. Brilliant is the word you are looking for to describe this goal, isn’t it? Brilliant! It’s his second and the fifth of the game right on the edge of the eightieth minute mark and they are showing signs of adding more before the full time whistle is blown. This is really starting to look like a training ground routine. It’s a mauling”

Peter Drury’s voice blared through the installed woofers positioned close to the window. This was the norm anytime there was a crucial match like this one just so the neighbours in the hostel can hear the commentary. 

“Ah, ebi you again?” Tony, our closest neighbour bugs his head in through the door.

“Oh massa, leave there. Who invite you?”. Ben interrupted before he could say anything more. 

Alex dropped his game pad and jumped across the room beating his chest. “Herr Ben, aswear, you will forever be my bitch, you no go fit me. Drop your pad den quit.”

He paced up and down the room expecting a response but none came from Ben. Ben was beaten to pulp and you don’t expect him to talk back after all the hype. 

After being beaten to pulp last week, he showed up today for a rematch. He didn’t show up for class yesterday and I want to believe he was training for today. The first thing he took out of his bag when he arrived was his game pad. He waved it around the room as if to say, “I came prepared”. Last week, he blamed our pad. He said the R2 wasn’t working. He couldn’t place his goals. 

“Ah, game pads will disgrace you” he occasionally said, biting his lips after every missed chance to score. Now, Fred woke up from his half sleep and sat on the edge of his bed and asked softly “So today too you go blame wanna pad? You be everybro ein bitch, why you no wan accept am?” Fred is the guy who hardly joins in the teasing sessions but when he joins, you can be sure of the banters he will release. He has all the histories at his fingertips. Who scored who, which teams they used, scores and even how the goals were scored. So when he joins, you can be sure what to expect. He seems to compress his words and weigh them until they were heavy enough. When he releases one banter, you will surely end up in the mud.

By definition, a FIFA bitch is that guy who almost everybody scores in the game of FIFA and Ben was the bitch in our room. He wasn’t even a roommate, but Ben will travel from his hostel sometimes after throwing challenges in class to our room and we will take turns receiving goals from him or at least that was always his expectation. It happens that Ben’s expectations were rather unrealistic and they never manifested. Now let me confess that when it comes to FIFA, I’m the newbie and I don’t know the game that much but I still get a reward of beating him after losing to my pro roommates when he comes around. Ben is like that area girl that anybody can eat anyhow. If you ask Ben, “Who dey eat?” he won’t be able to answer because the list is long and he may never mention my name because as a new guy in the hood, it will be embarrassing to admit, but me too I dey eat. Allow me to equate him to Manchester United. 

“This pad sef e no be my own oo. I go borrow for my guy bi ein der. The through pass no sheda dey job. The day I go get correct pad, you people go see your…”. He didn’t get to finish his flamboyant excuse when the door flew open. In the doorway stood Charles. He stood there frozen, his gaze fixed on nothing in particular. He just stood there and stared in the distance. He looked more like he was caught in a trance as he stood in the doorway with his arms straight down his sides, shoulders dropped and a straight looking face. We stood mute and looked on like faithful servants awaiting a revelation from their master god. 

“My guy where you from? Wey what happen? You see ghost for road?”. Fred was asleep when Charles stepped out.

All the attention is on Charles now. He was still in a moment of transfiguration. He looked like he was choking on some words. He really wanted to speak out but he couldn’t. He was mumbling the words. “Hey, hey, my guy wassup? What be the run down?”, Alex ran to him and held his hand. “Come, come, come sidon”, he continued. He led Charles to his bed and allowed him to slump heavily onto the bed. Ben, who by this time started reading in between the lines burst into uncontrollable laughter. “Kwasia, who send you sey take your heart give woman?” I couldn’t help but join in the laughter after making sense of the situation.

It was just an hour ago that he stepped out. Friday nights, we all choose the business of playing FIFA, to cool off from the stress of the week. However, today, after class, he took a nap and after preparing supper, dashed into the washroom.  He slipped into his favorite shorts and sleeveless shirt accompanied by his favorite sneakers afterwards. His lips parted into a broad smile as he banged the door after him.

“Eei so you no go tell we where you dey go sef?” Ben questioned right before the door shut (He and Alex had just started their first match of the night). 

Yes, Charles heard him, came back to open the door, pop his head in through the door, just to give him a cheeky wry smile and leave again without uttering a word. In his mind, he was going to have wild fun, come back and then laugh at us for choosing FIFA over girls. But here he is and the gods wouldn’t let the narrative go his way.

“Herr guys, aswear, Mimi force. Mimi be the real deal. Mimi be the real boosu!”, Charles broke into praises for Mimi. The words finally broke free from his lips. Now everybody is confused and we are just standing there watching in awe the scene playing before our eyes. Then the praises turned into lamentations. “Mimi paa? The way I trust Mimi paa?”. No sentence was complete without Mimi’s name being mentioned. “She make I rust. The way I resh these other girls sake of Mimi paa, she make I dey feel like trash right now.” He continued. 

In the other corner of the room, Ben burst into laughter again. This time he put the woofers off and let his laughter echo across the corridor. “I no tell you boys. He take ein heart dash Mimi wey Mimi take play basketball. I sure say Mimi take ein heart dunk. Ein heart hit the floor too hard” Ben laughed even harder.

So what be the long and short of the matter? Fred finally broke his silence. “Oh I go visit Mimi, as I go na some guy be dey ein der. I hala am wey I sit down for her study table ein body. Na the guy dey sit her side for the bed top. Guy, I wan act normal den form normal conversation small make I lef aa, the guy biz Mimi sey who I be? She introduce me as her study partner k3k3. Wey she say the guy be ein boyfriend” Charles continued narrating his ordeal. “Charley, I just black out. I no dey kai anything again. How I come reach here sef?” He wore a confused look on his face.

“Ah, but everytime you dey talk sey she be your study mate and bestie? When the status change?”, Alex budged in. Ben was still on the floor cracking up. “Hey, Ben, be serious”, Fred called him to order. “Sympathize with your man”. 

Yeah we have laughed at him enough and it was time to help a brother get out of a mess. Mimi had a boyfriend outside school and led our brother on. They wouldn’t admit it, but our Charles was hitting on her and we all knew it. Sad that it ended this way. We managed to put Charles together. Sunday came and you won’t believe what happened. By 7am, Charles was ready for church that was starting at 8am on campus. We could never understand the sudden change and I’m sure you won’t understand either. Here’s someone who had even forgotten where his church held their sunday services. We were a long way past mid-semester and I don’t remember him stepping foot in church just like the rest of us until that Sunday.

We all thought it was going to be a nine day wonder. But the semester ended, the next and the next and Charles’ commitment to church would not dwindle. He will never miss midweek and prayer meetings. Last time, Ben made a joke, he was going to fall in love with some girl and break his heart so that he could also become a committed Christian like Charles. “You for take your broken heart go do FIFA practice” Charles snarled back at him. This jab really hit Ben but still boys be boys.

It’s been 4 years since we left school and the last time I ran into Charles, he was an elder at his local church and aspiring to be a pastor. He didn’t have much to say but these words “Charley, if you see Mimi, thank Mimi give me. If I ever make am to heaven ebe sake of Mimi. Mimi make I give my life to Jesus. The broken heart she give me pass all the sermons I hear for my life inside”. We laughed over it but we both knew Mimi tampered with my friend’s head and the Lord came to his rescue. The thing almost pass ein head inside. The night of the incident, he actually went to bed with his sneakers on and would not allow anybody take it off for him.

Love Mystery

Photo credit: Pascal Campion

What is love?
Does the definition vary?
Does love shape shift?
Why does it taste and feel different on different days?
I thought i grasped it, then it evolved
I thought cupid hit me, no he missed by far

What is love?
Why does it elevate you so high today
And tramples you in the mud tomorrow?
Why does it feel beautiful today
And develops sudden wrinkles tomorrow?

What is love?
Why does it bring respite, salvation today
Then tomorrow it’s drowning you, leaving you gasping for breath?
Why does love feel like a gamble with no defined odds?
Scrambling for labels and getting denied against all odds?

What is love?
Is it a game of chess? Or Russian roulette?
Why is it enjoyed today and the next moment getting spewed out?
Is it what makes me wanna spend the rest of my life in your arms
And later wishing i never met you?

This thing called love
It can be so cold and
I yearn to understand how
It can put your heart and your mind at war
Leaving you dejected and unprotected

What is love?

Early Childhood Values: For Mum

Your mum is the best, but so is mine 😚😚

A few days ago, I had to answer an interview question. The question was, “What are your core values? And why are they important?”. 

To answer the question, I started off by stating why my core values are important. I followed up by stating three of my core values and then ended again with another reason why my core values are important. 

Just as the saying goes, “Manners maketh the man”, I started off by stating that our core values are like the building blocks of a man’s character. They are like the glucose monomer units that make up starch or protein molecules that come together to make up an enzyme. My point exactly? My core values from early childhood have made me who I am today, and who I become tomorrow depends on the core values I adopt today. If you want to become a completely different person, change your core values or adopt more. Make the conscious effort and…Voila!!!! 

The first core value I mentioned was KINDNESS. And to me, this may not necessarily mean monetary kindness, although I am aware that is the most appreciated kind of kindness. Give people a listening ear when they are emotionally broken, give them a smile, give them an opportunity to learn something new and it will almost all the time go unnoticed. Now, when I mentioned kindness, there was only one person I can trace that to…My MUM!

I remember growing up, when it was Christmas, my elder brothers in the city would send us foodstuff-rice, oil, etc. On Christmas day, she would get busy in the kitchen, cook the little we have received and share amongst us. She wouldn’t stop there but serve our neighbours and some long distant relatives. I remember there were days I would complain, she’s sharing the little we have received that we have to manage for a while with others who have obviously received gifts from their relatives in the cities as well. I remember complaining that the sizes of the food she was sharing were not even befitting to be given as gifts. I don’t quite remember what her responses were but I’m sure I either received insults or some shoves.

I also remember quite well my SHS days. I would get ready and sit at the edge of her bed waiting for my upkeep money. She would then sit opposite me after pouring her libation and say to me-as if she had been programmed to tell me that everytime I’m leaving for school-”Remember to stay away from friends. They will only bring you trouble. But don’t forget to be kind in your dealings with everybody. This money I’m giving you, you have no idea where I got it from. It’s as a result of somebody’s kindness.”

Now, to finish off with the second reason why I think my core values are important, I stated that they are important because I picked them up while growing up mostly from my mum. This implies that values are learned and shared. In the same way, my values are going to rub off the people I come into contact with.

Now, the main reason why I wrote this is this. Tomorrow is Mothers’ Day and when you wish your mum tomorrow, I want you to do something special. Don’t just appreciate her for bringing you into the world, appreciate her for one or two values that you picked up from her-directly or indirectly-and promise to let those values rub off the people you come into contact with on your life journey as we try to make this world a better place.

Cheers!

Happy Mothers’ day to your mum.

Wedding Promises

Wedding Promises

Is there a day as beautiful as this?
Would I trade today for any other day of my life?
The answer would be a resounding NO
As I embrace the joy of having to call you mine forever

Happyness floods my thoughts at the sight of your hands in mine
Death is vanquished as I look you deep in the eyes
And I see your soul leap in ecstasy
You, you are no more to me a fantasy

Today, with your hand in mine I can say the world is mine
In your hair, I will plant roses and
On your lips, I’ll cultivate a garden of kisses
On your forehead, a kaleidoscope of butterflies

You are a bouquet of promises I will keep forever
Your smile is brighter than the sunshine
And with you I will live my life to the limits
With a barrel of French Champagne

#MoneyHeist4
#ForNairobi
#Brokenstories

To all the girls I’ve loved before

To all the girls I’ve loved before
You gave me butterflies
To all the girls I’ve loved before
I had flowers for you

To all the girls I’ve loved before
I had flowers for you
But they were not roses
They were lilies from a valley

To all the girls I’ve loved before
I had flowers for you
But they were not roses
They were sunflowers from a withering garden

To all the girls I’ve loved before
I had flowers for you
But they were not roses
I heard you loved only roses

So I kept my flowers-lillies and sunnys
To be grand reminders of you
To take you with me, everywhere, every time
Even when my flesh gives up on my bones

#picturestories
#brokenstories

Guilty pleasures

Come closer, let me feel your heart beat
Come closer, let me feel your body heat
Come closer, let’s light our passions
Come closer, let’s burn and fulfil our desires

Allow me explore your body and discover new towers
Let me be the medium for transmission of these signals
And watch as my pole straightens
From the overwhelming signals down my spines

Let me descend the towers, down into the valley
Where magical streams of squirts flow
Let me bury my head under the waters
And go for a tasty savory swim in the gushing waters

Let your lips part and your body quake in a trance
And let out that soft moan holding onto your burning loins
Give yourself permission, if you can hold it no longer
Let it out, loud enough to wake the neighbours to our exploits

#picturestories
#brokenstories
#WPD”20

Roses and Butterflies

Of roses and butterflies
And stories untold
Of roses that withered
And butterflies with broken wings

Here begins our story…
Love that makes the heart feel jiggy
Love that jams the thoughts like radio waves
Love that twinkles brighter than the stars

The end thereof
Remains untold, and
How quickly things escalated
Left me flabbergasted

You were the one thing
All these years I was wanting
But you were weighed in the
Balances of love and found wanting

Now you want to retrace
Your steps back to me
Walking down the broken
Aisles of my memory

But how do I overcome
This oxytocin overdose?
How do I set myself free
From your arms wrapped around me?

Promise to stay forever
Never to leave again
But don’t give me butterflies
If you won’t be giving me roses

Love of Another

When Mama says “be careful out there”
I’ve come to understand, that’s an expression of her love
And when she says “Girls can wait”
I’ve come to see that as her protective mechanism

When my hommies ask “You sure say she dey like you?”
They don’t want me casting my pearls to swine
And when they exclaim, ” Herr she fine oo!”
They saying beware “You may not be the only person eating”

There were too many others I wouldn’t consider
Abena, who always shared in my worries “You don’t look well, what is the problem?”
Akua, the welfare person “Have you had breakfast yet? Don’t forget your drugs. Get well soon!”
Adwoa, the motivator “Don’t give up yet. I am here for you. We will figure this out”

But I wouldn’t pay attention
Girls can wait till when?
I harvested all their love
And invested it into you
Bros before hoes but I flipped the code
I chose hoes over bros

A bouquet of wilted flowers
A pottery of broken jars
Torn capillaries and arteries
That’s all that is left of me now

Guess who’s nursing a broken heart now
Guess who’s giving emotional support now
Guess who’s teasing me day and night
Just so I can heal?